Today, I lived my life as a bystander.
I missed my opportunity to be present and attentive to the world spinning and humming around me.
I was disjointed and disappointed, and I let that get the best of me.
I hate that.
And then, a kid... a kid who has bitterly opposed any and all authority for the past 5 days, all snarls and eyerolls and teenage annoyance... snapped me back to reality.
Want to know how he did it?
He cried. This too tough 15 year-old wise ass, sobbed throughout closing campfire. He wept for almost 20 minutes, at first quietly and then not-so-quietly, until his counselors pulled him away to check on him. Then he revealed that he was sad because camp was ending. Here's a kid whose smart-mouth and shit-eating grin and eff-the-world attitude had steeled him against almost any kind of real emotion for God only knows how long. And he was so present in that moment, so sad and scared and unsure, that he forgot to be ashamed of his tears. It was stunning.
After campfire, when he came to grab his Foster Kid Cocktail of Meds, he asked me if he could keep the candle he'd made for our closing ceremony. He told me he wanted to bring it back next year. All I could say was, "Sure. Of course." It was such a sad little candle, no bigger than something you'd find on a birthday cake, but he held onto it so tightly that it made my heart ache.
I had a different post all planned. I'd been writing it in my head all day. It was going to drip with smart-mouth and eff-the-world attitude. It was depressing and angry and spiteful. But the whole time I was typing tonight, all I could see was that crappy little yellow candle in his hand and his eyes, red from crying, and I couldn't leave it alone. I arranged and re-arranged and changed it up a hundred different ways, but to no avail. The whole thing felt disjointed and disappointing, and I've had enough of that today.
I hope that kid never loses that candle. I hope he does get to bring it back next year. I hope that when he gets back to his home, he takes a piece of all of us with him. And I hope that I can remember tomorrow, what it's like to be present... fully present... for the world spinning and humming all around me.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It's Probably Fine
I learned about 85% of what I know from camp. Maybe more.
Sorry, Mom, Dad, siblings, and teachers, but it's the truth.
Whether as a camper, where I learned how to swim or build a fire or shoot a bullseye, or as a counselor where I learned to soothe a homesick kid, take a fish off a hook, entertain 60 kids crammed into the showerhouse during a tornado, or identify a venomous snake. Or as an ad staff member where I became well-versed in parent phone calls, CPS reports, human resources, and buttering up the important people like the registrar, maintenance crew, and kitchen ladies (b/c let's face it -- those are the people who truly run any business). I've got skills that no college class could ever teach me.
More than anything, however, I learned the best skill possible. Flexibility. And it's totally a learnable skill because, as a nervous-nellie kid, I liked knowing what was going to happen. I relished my routine, and I took comfort in the normal. I still do, and I totally prefer it, but the reality is that when you work with kids, "normal" goes out the effin' window fast. Because, honestly, nothing at camp will ever go according to schedule. At camp, you're dealing with anywhere from 75 to 150 different personalities, wants, and needs at any given moment. Then you throw in things like rental groups, rainstorms, and random acts of WTF, and camp becomes a recipe in "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"
Well... here's what you do.
You just do. You do what you can with what you have, and if you do it with the right attitude, with the right people around you, sometimes shit just works out.
And that's pretty incredible.
Sorry, Mom, Dad, siblings, and teachers, but it's the truth.
Whether as a camper, where I learned how to swim or build a fire or shoot a bullseye, or as a counselor where I learned to soothe a homesick kid, take a fish off a hook, entertain 60 kids crammed into the showerhouse during a tornado, or identify a venomous snake. Or as an ad staff member where I became well-versed in parent phone calls, CPS reports, human resources, and buttering up the important people like the registrar, maintenance crew, and kitchen ladies (b/c let's face it -- those are the people who truly run any business). I've got skills that no college class could ever teach me.
More than anything, however, I learned the best skill possible. Flexibility. And it's totally a learnable skill because, as a nervous-nellie kid, I liked knowing what was going to happen. I relished my routine, and I took comfort in the normal. I still do, and I totally prefer it, but the reality is that when you work with kids, "normal" goes out the effin' window fast. Because, honestly, nothing at camp will ever go according to schedule. At camp, you're dealing with anywhere from 75 to 150 different personalities, wants, and needs at any given moment. Then you throw in things like rental groups, rainstorms, and random acts of WTF, and camp becomes a recipe in "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"
Well... here's what you do.
You just do. You do what you can with what you have, and if you do it with the right attitude, with the right people around you, sometimes shit just works out.
And that's pretty incredible.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Forever Young
So, I've been absent from the blog for a while. I was at a conference for my "real job" last week, and the lavish dining out and drinking in the swanky hotel bar kind of got in my way. Therefore, when I say "a while", it's really only been six days, but it feels more like "a while". I've really missed writing down my random thoughts, both those that are sarcastic and tacky as well as those that are lovely and meaningful. I fully intended on the sarcastic and tacky variety as I had a bit of a showdown with a well-known cable company for most of my pre-noon day, but then I just couldn't do it. So maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
Last week was the educational conference (which truly was great), but apparently I missed a crapload of crazy here at camp last week. And when I say that I missed it, I don't just mean that I was absent for it. I mean that I really and truly missed it; I thought about it every day. But I wasn't a part of the crazy, so that's not my subject tonight either.
Remember that movie, The Karate Kid? The original. Not this new lame-ass Jackie Chan version. The one with Daniel-san, the outcast, who befriends and later learns from Mr. Miyagi? That Miyagi character was weird for me at first. Sure, he's all wise and cool as shit once you get to know him, but truthfully now, wasn't he just the tired old dude with the bonsai addiction for like half the movie? And didn't you think, "WTF, dude? Why are you hangin' out with that old man?" It was weird. Admit it.
Don't worry about the Karate Kid sidebar. I'll get there. Just be patient.
When I started as a counselor at camp 16 summers ago, I was so young and dumb. Soooo young. Soooo dumb. But I loved it. I loved every single second of it. And although I loved the kids -- adored them even, the best part of camp for me was time-off. Time-off = hanging out with my new best buds. Time-off = hanging out in the Counselor's Cabin, telling stories, smoking cigarettes (or just taking in the secondhand smoke), and laughing our asses off.
But every once in a while, something strange would happen.
Our boss-- THE camp director -- would waltz in, plop down, and entertain us for a while. Sometimes, she'd let us entertain her. And whenever she was in the CC, it seemed like we could do no wrong in her eyes. Things she might normally frown upon were overlooked because... in the CC... everyone's an equal. There's no rank; it's a completely classless (in every sense of the word) society. Here was the Boss Lady, singing camp inappropriate tunes, re-living the good ol' days, and playing practical jokes. Literally, one time, she spent half a day or more with a dead snake on a string, scaring the bejeezus out of each and every person arriving for their break. It was bizarre and awesome all in the same breath. I always wondered, however, why she took the time to come in to that ratty-ass, smoke-filled cabin because, I mean, she was... well... old.
(Mind you, I was nineteen. Nine-teen. Plus, did I mention that I was young? And dumb? Only a dumbass 19 year old thinks that 36 is old.)
When I joined the ad staff a couple of summers later, I realized that the wisecracking, fun-loving person wasn't just who she was in the CC, it was who she was most of the time. That ad staff had a great amount of fun those few summers. They were some of the best portions of my life, in fact, and I still count those people as some of the most dynamic and life-changing people I've ever known. And a few are still my very best friends, including that practical joking Boss Lady. But I can remember, at the not-that-grown-up age of 21, thinking how slightly strange it was that someone 17 years older than me and my equally not-so-grown-up cohorts could not only stomach us and our shenanigans and dumbassery but also kind of appreciate us in spite of it. Honestly, I thought that she would, one day, wake up, realize how wearing and tiresome the Young and the Dumb could be, and kick our broke asses out into the street.
But she didn't. Amazingly enough, she stuck with us -- chance after chance after chance until one day, when no one was paying close attention, we grew up and got all... responsible. For real. We hold down jobs, pay our bills, and do our taxes. Some of us own homes, exchanged vows, and one even has a kid of her own. And she totally knows what to do with him and doesn't leave him random places because she forgot where she put him. This fact amazes me. (Granted, she was the only person I knew who ALWAYS had her water bottle at camp. I should have viewed this as some sort of test-run to motherhood. I, on the other hand, always left my water bottle random places and just borrowed hers when I felt like it. Come to think of it, now sometimes I just borrow her kid in much the same way. Weird.)
Tonight, as I walked into our office, I found it full of counselors on their time off. In fact, they're continually in our office, hanging out on their time off. Our office is this camp's version of the CC, apparently (minus the smoke and the snake on a string). Normally, when this happens, I leave them alone, find another computer to work on, and go about letting them be young. And dumb. Because that's their job when it comes to time-off. So, I went next door to the Boss Lady's office to work. And damned if there wasn't another counselor in there! So, I gave up, took off my soggy shoes, and chatted up this kid about the world events and life and the new L-U-V he's discovered at camp.
One by one, the time-offers trickled in -- some counselors, some ad staff -- and, you know what? We laughed our asses off. They fully entertained me, and they even let me entertain them a bit. It was awesome. Then, just as I was starting to feel young again, I dropped my favorite -- the f-bomb -- and one of the 17 year old JC's almost fell out of her chair. She was stunned, but slightly impressed, I think. And just as I was starting to feel cool again, I realized, "She's not impressed because I'm like her. She's impressed because I'm so UNLIKE her."
Because I'm... well... I'm old.
Then another one had to rat me out for playing a practical joke on him a couple of years ago. Why was it so amusing to others? Because I'm... well... old, and old people don't play practical jokes on kids. And I suddenly realized that I am 17 years older than some of my staff members. Just like the Boss Lady was to us. And I'm stunned. I am stunned to be Mr. Miyagi and not Daniel-san. When did THIS happen? Now, I have worked this very job for 5 summers. How on Earth can I be shocked by this fact? Maybe it's the similarity in time frame. Maybe it's just because I was kidding myself. Maybe, although I'm not so young, I'm still kinda dumb.
But maybe it's because I figured some shit out about the Boss Lady and her trips into the Counselor's Cabin oh-so-long-ago.
A) It's a good way to know what those sneaky little bastards are up to.
B) It's a good way to let those sneaky little bastards know that you know what they're up to. Or at least to make them think you know.
C) It's a good way to get some gossip off of those sneaky little bastards because they don't know when to stop talking.
But, more than anything, I think what the Boss Lady knew, but never told, is this:
D) Those sneaky little bastards keep you young.
Seriously. Those damn kids who aren't really kids? They keep me young. They teach me constantly, and this pays off in my "real job" because I know what all my students are listening to, talking about, and obsessed with. Instantly makes that "real job" a hell of a lot easier. Every summer, they loan me a little bit of their cool factor and a lot of their energy. And they're funny. Randomly... awesomely... awkwardly... funny. When I watch them with their campers and with one another, my camp counselor days just don't seem that long ago. And that makes me feel young too. And happy. Overwhelmingly happy.
I don't know how long it will be until they discover that they can run away to their own version of the CC -- a place that is far too disgusting for an old fart like me to enter -- to spend their time-off. I don't know how many more nights this summer that they will gather in our office, order a pizza, and shoot the shit with the likes of me. I don't know how long I'll be able to put up with their shenanigans and dumbassery before I kick their broke asses out into the street because the other thing the Boss Lady never revealed? The Young and the Dumb ARE wearing and tiresome. (Come to think of it, she did go to bed really, really early when we were the Young and the Dumb.)
So there's a lot I don't know except for this: I know that it didn't happen tonight, and for that, I am grateful. They stayed, they made me laugh, and I didn't mind so much that they weren't right on time to return from break. And because of it -- instead of dragging ass up the stairs, crawling into bed, and dreading my alarm clock's call -- it's 1:30 AM, and I'm sitting up, listening to the crickets, seeming a lot closer to 19 than 34, and feeling happy. Overwhelmingly happy.
Last week was the educational conference (which truly was great), but apparently I missed a crapload of crazy here at camp last week. And when I say that I missed it, I don't just mean that I was absent for it. I mean that I really and truly missed it; I thought about it every day. But I wasn't a part of the crazy, so that's not my subject tonight either.
Remember that movie, The Karate Kid? The original. Not this new lame-ass Jackie Chan version. The one with Daniel-san, the outcast, who befriends and later learns from Mr. Miyagi? That Miyagi character was weird for me at first. Sure, he's all wise and cool as shit once you get to know him, but truthfully now, wasn't he just the tired old dude with the bonsai addiction for like half the movie? And didn't you think, "WTF, dude? Why are you hangin' out with that old man?" It was weird. Admit it.
Don't worry about the Karate Kid sidebar. I'll get there. Just be patient.
When I started as a counselor at camp 16 summers ago, I was so young and dumb. Soooo young. Soooo dumb. But I loved it. I loved every single second of it. And although I loved the kids -- adored them even, the best part of camp for me was time-off. Time-off = hanging out with my new best buds. Time-off = hanging out in the Counselor's Cabin, telling stories, smoking cigarettes (or just taking in the secondhand smoke), and laughing our asses off.
But every once in a while, something strange would happen.
Our boss-- THE camp director -- would waltz in, plop down, and entertain us for a while. Sometimes, she'd let us entertain her. And whenever she was in the CC, it seemed like we could do no wrong in her eyes. Things she might normally frown upon were overlooked because... in the CC... everyone's an equal. There's no rank; it's a completely classless (in every sense of the word) society. Here was the Boss Lady, singing camp inappropriate tunes, re-living the good ol' days, and playing practical jokes. Literally, one time, she spent half a day or more with a dead snake on a string, scaring the bejeezus out of each and every person arriving for their break. It was bizarre and awesome all in the same breath. I always wondered, however, why she took the time to come in to that ratty-ass, smoke-filled cabin because, I mean, she was... well... old.
(Mind you, I was nineteen. Nine-teen. Plus, did I mention that I was young? And dumb? Only a dumbass 19 year old thinks that 36 is old.)
When I joined the ad staff a couple of summers later, I realized that the wisecracking, fun-loving person wasn't just who she was in the CC, it was who she was most of the time. That ad staff had a great amount of fun those few summers. They were some of the best portions of my life, in fact, and I still count those people as some of the most dynamic and life-changing people I've ever known. And a few are still my very best friends, including that practical joking Boss Lady. But I can remember, at the not-that-grown-up age of 21, thinking how slightly strange it was that someone 17 years older than me and my equally not-so-grown-up cohorts could not only stomach us and our shenanigans and dumbassery but also kind of appreciate us in spite of it. Honestly, I thought that she would, one day, wake up, realize how wearing and tiresome the Young and the Dumb could be, and kick our broke asses out into the street.
But she didn't. Amazingly enough, she stuck with us -- chance after chance after chance until one day, when no one was paying close attention, we grew up and got all... responsible. For real. We hold down jobs, pay our bills, and do our taxes. Some of us own homes, exchanged vows, and one even has a kid of her own. And she totally knows what to do with him and doesn't leave him random places because she forgot where she put him. This fact amazes me. (Granted, she was the only person I knew who ALWAYS had her water bottle at camp. I should have viewed this as some sort of test-run to motherhood. I, on the other hand, always left my water bottle random places and just borrowed hers when I felt like it. Come to think of it, now sometimes I just borrow her kid in much the same way. Weird.)
Tonight, as I walked into our office, I found it full of counselors on their time off. In fact, they're continually in our office, hanging out on their time off. Our office is this camp's version of the CC, apparently (minus the smoke and the snake on a string). Normally, when this happens, I leave them alone, find another computer to work on, and go about letting them be young. And dumb. Because that's their job when it comes to time-off. So, I went next door to the Boss Lady's office to work. And damned if there wasn't another counselor in there! So, I gave up, took off my soggy shoes, and chatted up this kid about the world events and life and the new L-U-V he's discovered at camp.
One by one, the time-offers trickled in -- some counselors, some ad staff -- and, you know what? We laughed our asses off. They fully entertained me, and they even let me entertain them a bit. It was awesome. Then, just as I was starting to feel young again, I dropped my favorite -- the f-bomb -- and one of the 17 year old JC's almost fell out of her chair. She was stunned, but slightly impressed, I think. And just as I was starting to feel cool again, I realized, "She's not impressed because I'm like her. She's impressed because I'm so UNLIKE her."
Because I'm... well... I'm old.
Then another one had to rat me out for playing a practical joke on him a couple of years ago. Why was it so amusing to others? Because I'm... well... old, and old people don't play practical jokes on kids. And I suddenly realized that I am 17 years older than some of my staff members. Just like the Boss Lady was to us. And I'm stunned. I am stunned to be Mr. Miyagi and not Daniel-san. When did THIS happen? Now, I have worked this very job for 5 summers. How on Earth can I be shocked by this fact? Maybe it's the similarity in time frame. Maybe it's just because I was kidding myself. Maybe, although I'm not so young, I'm still kinda dumb.
But maybe it's because I figured some shit out about the Boss Lady and her trips into the Counselor's Cabin oh-so-long-ago.
A) It's a good way to know what those sneaky little bastards are up to.
B) It's a good way to let those sneaky little bastards know that you know what they're up to. Or at least to make them think you know.
C) It's a good way to get some gossip off of those sneaky little bastards because they don't know when to stop talking.
But, more than anything, I think what the Boss Lady knew, but never told, is this:
D) Those sneaky little bastards keep you young.
Seriously. Those damn kids who aren't really kids? They keep me young. They teach me constantly, and this pays off in my "real job" because I know what all my students are listening to, talking about, and obsessed with. Instantly makes that "real job" a hell of a lot easier. Every summer, they loan me a little bit of their cool factor and a lot of their energy. And they're funny. Randomly... awesomely... awkwardly... funny. When I watch them with their campers and with one another, my camp counselor days just don't seem that long ago. And that makes me feel young too. And happy. Overwhelmingly happy.
I don't know how long it will be until they discover that they can run away to their own version of the CC -- a place that is far too disgusting for an old fart like me to enter -- to spend their time-off. I don't know how many more nights this summer that they will gather in our office, order a pizza, and shoot the shit with the likes of me. I don't know how long I'll be able to put up with their shenanigans and dumbassery before I kick their broke asses out into the street because the other thing the Boss Lady never revealed? The Young and the Dumb ARE wearing and tiresome. (Come to think of it, she did go to bed really, really early when we were the Young and the Dumb.)
So there's a lot I don't know except for this: I know that it didn't happen tonight, and for that, I am grateful. They stayed, they made me laugh, and I didn't mind so much that they weren't right on time to return from break. And because of it -- instead of dragging ass up the stairs, crawling into bed, and dreading my alarm clock's call -- it's 1:30 AM, and I'm sitting up, listening to the crickets, seeming a lot closer to 19 than 34, and feeling happy. Overwhelmingly happy.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A Game of Tag
My friend, Amanda, might be the cutest little pregnant girl ever.
Seriously, she's stinkin' cute, can probably -- wait, TOTALLY -- outrun me (even at 8 months preggo -- holy shit, 8 months, really?), and happens to be one of the funniest people I know.
If I didn't already have so much time invested (and, honestly, if she wasn't about to pop out a brand new baby for me to obsessively love and hold), I would completely hate her. But you shouldn't hate her 'cause, like I said before, she's wickedly, awesomely funny. And you should check out her blog here, in fact.
So she tagged me with this silly, little questionnaire and because I think she's just so darned adorable, I simply cannot ignore her request. Plus, like I said, she runs fast, and I cannot avoid her tag nor will I ever be able to really tag her back.
Here we go!
1. Favorite Color: Yellow. It's the sun. It's my hair (or was my hair until reality and old age set in). It's warm. It's positive. It reminds me of lemonade and giggles. It's all the things I strive to be/have in my life, but sometimes lose sight of. Except the lemonade. I always have lemonade in my fridge.
2. Favorite Brand/ Designer: Ummm... I'm not exactly a style guru, so I'd probably say Adidas. If I were a cracked out, anorexic model/celebrity, I'd say Christian Siriano. 'Cause he's FIERCE. And I love his tranny ass.
3. Favorite Restaurant: Chik-Fil-A. Surprising, huh? It changes often, but overall, it's my favorite fast food because the chicken is delicious, and I can get a fruit cup and convince myself that it's "healthy" because, as we all know, fruit cup = an additional 37 days to your life span.
4.Hobbies: Reading, movies, camp, reality t.v. and then mocking reality t.v., and exaggerating to prove a point about a subject on which I know very little. Seriously, I hope you didn't just buy that bit about the fruit cup. I have done no research, it's just a hopeful estimation that I tell myself when I swing by CFA.
5.Favorite thing about yourself: I have been told that I make others feel good about themselves. And that I'm nice. I used to think that "nice" was just a polite synonym for "nothin' special", but as I've grown up, I've decided that the world just needs more "nice". I'm not super religious, but I believe in the Church of Just Being a Nice Person. Of course, being tacky is way more fun than nice, and sometimes tacky wins out. Then people snicker at my tackiness, and that gives me an evil little jolt of delight.
6.What does your room look like? A hot mess.
7.If you could have dinner with 2 people (dead or alive) who would they be? I hate this question. There are millions of people I'd like to have dinner with, but if they're dead, what's the point? My biggest question would be somthing along the lines of, "What's it like to be dead?" But then I worry that Shakespeare or Hitler or whoever would be all, "Eh" (with a nonchalant shoulder shrug and bum everybody out). And who wants that at a dinner party that you have LITERALLY moved Heaven and Hell to host? So, in truth, probably just my best buds at Joe T's with a couple of margaritas and lots of laughs. My friends are never just "Eh" and none of us are good at nonchalance.
8.What's your next "big splurge"? My super-secret goal... or I guess not-so-secret goal now -- is to buy a house within the next year or so. But it makes me have rumbly in the tumbly just to think of it, so I'm going to stop that talk and just breathe for a minute. Literally. Give me a minute.
9.What's your favorite joke, quote or saying?: I'm sorry, but I must steal Amanda's answer on this one. And I quote, "If you know me, you know I cannot tell jokes because I don't remember all of the lines." This is so classically me. Or even if I remember the lines, I get sidetracked in the telling of it because something reminds me of this other time when this happened.... and so on and so forth until the listener either walks away or finishes the joke for me. My newest favorite quote is by Judy Garland. "It's better to be a first-rate version of yourself rather than a second-rate version of someone else."
10.Anything else you would like us to know about you (random fact)?!: Amanda can lick her armpit, and that totally sicks me out, but I can pinch you with my toes. Seriously, I have monkey toes that almost serve as fingers. It's weird, but my pedicure ladies love them because I have "great nail beds". Umm... thanks? I know they're just making conversation, but it doesn't make me feel that great. No cute boy has ever complimented my "great nail beds", and, honestly, if he did, he's not the boy for me.
So there you have it. Ten questions you probably didn't want to know the answers to and a good 180 seconds (300 if you're a careful reader) you'll never get back. So, it's my turn to tag someone, and I tag...
Musings from Suburbia
and YOU! Feel free to post in the comments or on your own blog if you have one!
Seriously, she's stinkin' cute, can probably -- wait, TOTALLY -- outrun me (even at 8 months preggo -- holy shit, 8 months, really?), and happens to be one of the funniest people I know.
If I didn't already have so much time invested (and, honestly, if she wasn't about to pop out a brand new baby for me to obsessively love and hold), I would completely hate her. But you shouldn't hate her 'cause, like I said before, she's wickedly, awesomely funny. And you should check out her blog here, in fact.
So she tagged me with this silly, little questionnaire and because I think she's just so darned adorable, I simply cannot ignore her request. Plus, like I said, she runs fast, and I cannot avoid her tag nor will I ever be able to really tag her back.
Here we go!
1. Favorite Color: Yellow. It's the sun. It's my hair (or was my hair until reality and old age set in). It's warm. It's positive. It reminds me of lemonade and giggles. It's all the things I strive to be/have in my life, but sometimes lose sight of. Except the lemonade. I always have lemonade in my fridge.
2. Favorite Brand/ Designer: Ummm... I'm not exactly a style guru, so I'd probably say Adidas. If I were a cracked out, anorexic model/celebrity, I'd say Christian Siriano. 'Cause he's FIERCE. And I love his tranny ass.
3. Favorite Restaurant: Chik-Fil-A. Surprising, huh? It changes often, but overall, it's my favorite fast food because the chicken is delicious, and I can get a fruit cup and convince myself that it's "healthy" because, as we all know, fruit cup = an additional 37 days to your life span.
4.Hobbies: Reading, movies, camp, reality t.v. and then mocking reality t.v., and exaggerating to prove a point about a subject on which I know very little. Seriously, I hope you didn't just buy that bit about the fruit cup. I have done no research, it's just a hopeful estimation that I tell myself when I swing by CFA.
5.Favorite thing about yourself: I have been told that I make others feel good about themselves. And that I'm nice. I used to think that "nice" was just a polite synonym for "nothin' special", but as I've grown up, I've decided that the world just needs more "nice". I'm not super religious, but I believe in the Church of Just Being a Nice Person. Of course, being tacky is way more fun than nice, and sometimes tacky wins out. Then people snicker at my tackiness, and that gives me an evil little jolt of delight.
6.What does your room look like? A hot mess.
7.If you could have dinner with 2 people (dead or alive) who would they be? I hate this question. There are millions of people I'd like to have dinner with, but if they're dead, what's the point? My biggest question would be somthing along the lines of, "What's it like to be dead?" But then I worry that Shakespeare or Hitler or whoever would be all, "Eh" (with a nonchalant shoulder shrug and bum everybody out). And who wants that at a dinner party that you have LITERALLY moved Heaven and Hell to host? So, in truth, probably just my best buds at Joe T's with a couple of margaritas and lots of laughs. My friends are never just "Eh" and none of us are good at nonchalance.
8.What's your next "big splurge"? My super-secret goal... or I guess not-so-secret goal now -- is to buy a house within the next year or so. But it makes me have rumbly in the tumbly just to think of it, so I'm going to stop that talk and just breathe for a minute. Literally. Give me a minute.
9.What's your favorite joke, quote or saying?: I'm sorry, but I must steal Amanda's answer on this one. And I quote, "If you know me, you know I cannot tell jokes because I don't remember all of the lines." This is so classically me. Or even if I remember the lines, I get sidetracked in the telling of it because something reminds me of this other time when this happened.... and so on and so forth until the listener either walks away or finishes the joke for me. My newest favorite quote is by Judy Garland. "It's better to be a first-rate version of yourself rather than a second-rate version of someone else."
10.Anything else you would like us to know about you (random fact)?!: Amanda can lick her armpit, and that totally sicks me out, but I can pinch you with my toes. Seriously, I have monkey toes that almost serve as fingers. It's weird, but my pedicure ladies love them because I have "great nail beds". Umm... thanks? I know they're just making conversation, but it doesn't make me feel that great. No cute boy has ever complimented my "great nail beds", and, honestly, if he did, he's not the boy for me.
So there you have it. Ten questions you probably didn't want to know the answers to and a good 180 seconds (300 if you're a careful reader) you'll never get back. So, it's my turn to tag someone, and I tag...
Musings from Suburbia
and YOU! Feel free to post in the comments or on your own blog if you have one!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Men in Orange
So yesterday... at approximately 12:30 PM, I did it.
I drank the kool-aid.
It was Apple flavored, and it. was. awesome.
I have avoided the iPhone craze for a while now. All around me, people moved seamlessly into the Dawn of New Technology, but I dug my heels in and flat-out refused.
What in the crack was I thinking?
Okay. Here's what I was thinking.
I am afraid of technology. Not in the "old lady in your technology class who's afraid of starting nuclear winter with one wrong button push on her PC" sense of the phrase, but rather in the "the machine in the palm of my hand is sci-fi smart and that freaks my shit out" kind of way. Seriously, I have the illogical fear of technology taking over the world and not in the good way. Probably, somewhere in my nerdy past, I read some book or watched some movie about robots or cyborgs or microchip implantation that warped my brain into its somewhat paranoid state, and logically, I am aware of how idiotic it all sounds. Doesn't matter. It still exists. I even have a friend whose husband has entered robotics competitions. That's right, Dude builds robots. For fun. Or so he says. He could be building a little robot army to overthrow and enslave everyone in the Lone Star State. I mean, what do I know? I'm fairly sure that this is NOT the case because he's actually a pretty chill guy, but even still I am always sure to be extra nice to him and always laugh loudly at his jokes. (Just kidding, BB... I laugh because you're hysterical. And so that I can be second in command of the Robotics Rebellion).
Anyway... after much ridicule by my friends, students, and near strangers about my sad little flip phone, I started to re-think my position. Then... when I saw a friend of mine (who is mildly technologically disadvantaged) tooling around on her brand new iPhone, the gauntlet was thrown.
So, yesterday, I marched myself down to the mall with Faith, my tech-savvy friend and leader of the flip phone ridicule, determined to get myself a Big Girl Phone. I stood at the edge of the techno pool, breathing deep and talking down my nerves, hoping to just stick my toe in and test the waters a bit. Newsflash, peeps. That pool? It's got a few sharks in it.
Seriously... I'm pretty sure Michael and Danny ('cause, yeah, we're totally on a first name basis), the Men in Orange, were standing in the front of the AT&T store, nonchalantly discussing the weather or the World Cup or maybe their favorite brand of hemorrhoid cream, when they suddenly paused, took a big whiff and found the smell of fear and hesitation in the air.
As soon as I said the word "upgrade", their eyes lit up like Christmas. When I took out my Samsung Freebie, they didn't even attempt to stifle their out-and-out laughter. I'm sure they thought they were taking a long shot when they threw out the iPhone plan, but little did they know that their guffawing was the only sales technique they needed. Laugh at me, will you? Mock me, huh? You're gonna point out my obviously lame taste in cell phones? Do you REALLY think I'll fall for such junior high, pop psychology tactics?
Damn straight I will.
My righteous indignation cost me yet again, and this time, it cost me a pretty penny.
Danny started in with the hard cell sell, and he knew just what he was doing. He hit me, Ali-style, with some "extended warranty", "data package", "rebate" kind of talk. Numbers swirled around me, and the percentage explanation? Get out of town. He could have been speaking Japanese to me for all I knew. Then, to top it all off, he asks me to look at the rack of shiny, multi-colored cases, and pick one. As if I wasn't dazed enough. Now I had to accessorize? I pointed to the Otter... obviously a super-expensive option... which ALL my friends had recommended, and asked him "What do you think about that one?"
I'm pretty sure he shit himself at that precise second.
"Are you kidding?" he exclaimed. And then he sprinted over to the counter, snatched up his own "personal" iPhone (which, in reality, could've been just a block of scrap wood, I was so confused), shoved it into the Otter case, held it out to me and said, "Now drop it." Was he effing for real? I started to back away, shaking my head furiously, and he, seeing the total fear in my eyes, reared back and spun that mo'fo' like some East German shotputter. The damn thing bounced -- BOUNCED, I tell you -- three times on the floor. From an 8 to 9 foot drop. Without a scratch.
The entire store's population looked at him like he'd just skipped a newborn down the escalator.
In the meantime, Michael has pulled up my home phone bill with the promise of finally taking off all the crap I've intended to remove for 3 years but have been too lazy to do so, and he is in like full-blown cardiac arrest over my cable, home phone, internet bundle. He is shaking his head, all shameful, and looking at me as if I've just been out in the backyard everyday lighting up barrelfuls of $20 bills.
Which, truthfully, I might as well have. But that's beside the point. Was I, D-effing-Nazty, going to let this chump push me around? Was I going to let him shame me into changing my cable provider, therefore forcing me to learn a whole new remote and dvr system, and rob me of all of the phone services that I was not currently using -- but might in the future?!
Damn skippy I did. Shame is my number one motivator. It gets me on the treadmill. It sends me to the dentist. It keeps me from cheating on my taxes. Shame completely works. It was like when, in those slapstick comedies, the bully waves one hand and distracts the other character's silly ass and then suckerpunches him with his free hand.
So while he's guaranteeing me a savings of almost 91 bucks a month -- and that's like $1,092 a year. I know, I just checked it on my iPhone calculator 'cause I'm too fancy for a regular calculator now -- Danny is giving me a crash course in iPhone technology, and my friend, Faith, is watching me and wondering when the next time I would actually breathe or blink would be. For real, I was staring at that dude like he'd just grown another head or announced that we were standing on the moon. Dumbstruck.
When they bring in the third guy who, by the way, wasn't even in the orange shirt, I almost backed out. I had honestly believed he was just another customer, shooting the breeze, until he started tapping out some secret codes on the computer and asking me for my social security number. He was like a Mafia boss -- always present, hardly seen. I started to wonder if any of those other customers were real, or if they were just decoys, hired to make everything seem to be a good idea. My palms were starting to sweat all over my new piece of the Apple Corporation when I heard Michael ask Faith what kind of phone she had.
"She's not even one of Y'ALL," I blurted out desperately. "She's a Sprint person!" I threw her out there like she was Frankenstein and they were some torch-wielding villagers. Other people shaming me works, but having shame for myself? Not a chance. I. have. no. shame. Not when the pressure is on. But Faith, as I stated before, is way more savvy than I, and she side-stepped their advances quite deftly.
After about 20 more minutes of sheer terror, they'd swiped my card, set up the arrival date for my Direct TV installation, made me promise to name my next pet after Steve Jobs (or Wozniak -- I guess either way, Steve, it is), and sent me on my way with a palmful of sci-fi smart. And, yes, it freaked my shit out. Twenty-four hours later, I'm still a little freaked out, but I have yet to start nuclear winter with it either. I wish we would have hidden around the corner to watch because I'm pretty sure they totally high-fived each other as I walked away.
So, if you're reading this, and chuckling to yourself, it's okay. But IF you beat me at Words with Friends, you'd better watch out because I WILL chunk my palmful of techno wizardry at your head, Naomi Campbell style, and bounce it 3-4 times off of your smart ass, vocabulary enriched noggin.
Because... oh yeah... I bought that ridiculously expensive phone cover AND the extended warranty, and I plan to get my money's worth.
I drank the kool-aid.
It was Apple flavored, and it. was. awesome.
I have avoided the iPhone craze for a while now. All around me, people moved seamlessly into the Dawn of New Technology, but I dug my heels in and flat-out refused.
What in the crack was I thinking?
Okay. Here's what I was thinking.
I am afraid of technology. Not in the "old lady in your technology class who's afraid of starting nuclear winter with one wrong button push on her PC" sense of the phrase, but rather in the "the machine in the palm of my hand is sci-fi smart and that freaks my shit out" kind of way. Seriously, I have the illogical fear of technology taking over the world and not in the good way. Probably, somewhere in my nerdy past, I read some book or watched some movie about robots or cyborgs or microchip implantation that warped my brain into its somewhat paranoid state, and logically, I am aware of how idiotic it all sounds. Doesn't matter. It still exists. I even have a friend whose husband has entered robotics competitions. That's right, Dude builds robots. For fun. Or so he says. He could be building a little robot army to overthrow and enslave everyone in the Lone Star State. I mean, what do I know? I'm fairly sure that this is NOT the case because he's actually a pretty chill guy, but even still I am always sure to be extra nice to him and always laugh loudly at his jokes. (Just kidding, BB... I laugh because you're hysterical. And so that I can be second in command of the Robotics Rebellion).
Anyway... after much ridicule by my friends, students, and near strangers about my sad little flip phone, I started to re-think my position. Then... when I saw a friend of mine (who is mildly technologically disadvantaged) tooling around on her brand new iPhone, the gauntlet was thrown.
So, yesterday, I marched myself down to the mall with Faith, my tech-savvy friend and leader of the flip phone ridicule, determined to get myself a Big Girl Phone. I stood at the edge of the techno pool, breathing deep and talking down my nerves, hoping to just stick my toe in and test the waters a bit. Newsflash, peeps. That pool? It's got a few sharks in it.
Seriously... I'm pretty sure Michael and Danny ('cause, yeah, we're totally on a first name basis), the Men in Orange, were standing in the front of the AT&T store, nonchalantly discussing the weather or the World Cup or maybe their favorite brand of hemorrhoid cream, when they suddenly paused, took a big whiff and found the smell of fear and hesitation in the air.
As soon as I said the word "upgrade", their eyes lit up like Christmas. When I took out my Samsung Freebie, they didn't even attempt to stifle their out-and-out laughter. I'm sure they thought they were taking a long shot when they threw out the iPhone plan, but little did they know that their guffawing was the only sales technique they needed. Laugh at me, will you? Mock me, huh? You're gonna point out my obviously lame taste in cell phones? Do you REALLY think I'll fall for such junior high, pop psychology tactics?
Damn straight I will.
My righteous indignation cost me yet again, and this time, it cost me a pretty penny.
Danny started in with the hard cell sell, and he knew just what he was doing. He hit me, Ali-style, with some "extended warranty", "data package", "rebate" kind of talk. Numbers swirled around me, and the percentage explanation? Get out of town. He could have been speaking Japanese to me for all I knew. Then, to top it all off, he asks me to look at the rack of shiny, multi-colored cases, and pick one. As if I wasn't dazed enough. Now I had to accessorize? I pointed to the Otter... obviously a super-expensive option... which ALL my friends had recommended, and asked him "What do you think about that one?"
I'm pretty sure he shit himself at that precise second.
"Are you kidding?" he exclaimed. And then he sprinted over to the counter, snatched up his own "personal" iPhone (which, in reality, could've been just a block of scrap wood, I was so confused), shoved it into the Otter case, held it out to me and said, "Now drop it." Was he effing for real? I started to back away, shaking my head furiously, and he, seeing the total fear in my eyes, reared back and spun that mo'fo' like some East German shotputter. The damn thing bounced -- BOUNCED, I tell you -- three times on the floor. From an 8 to 9 foot drop. Without a scratch.
The entire store's population looked at him like he'd just skipped a newborn down the escalator.
In the meantime, Michael has pulled up my home phone bill with the promise of finally taking off all the crap I've intended to remove for 3 years but have been too lazy to do so, and he is in like full-blown cardiac arrest over my cable, home phone, internet bundle. He is shaking his head, all shameful, and looking at me as if I've just been out in the backyard everyday lighting up barrelfuls of $20 bills.
Which, truthfully, I might as well have. But that's beside the point. Was I, D-effing-Nazty, going to let this chump push me around? Was I going to let him shame me into changing my cable provider, therefore forcing me to learn a whole new remote and dvr system, and rob me of all of the phone services that I was not currently using -- but might in the future?!
Damn skippy I did. Shame is my number one motivator. It gets me on the treadmill. It sends me to the dentist. It keeps me from cheating on my taxes. Shame completely works. It was like when, in those slapstick comedies, the bully waves one hand and distracts the other character's silly ass and then suckerpunches him with his free hand.
So while he's guaranteeing me a savings of almost 91 bucks a month -- and that's like $1,092 a year. I know, I just checked it on my iPhone calculator 'cause I'm too fancy for a regular calculator now -- Danny is giving me a crash course in iPhone technology, and my friend, Faith, is watching me and wondering when the next time I would actually breathe or blink would be. For real, I was staring at that dude like he'd just grown another head or announced that we were standing on the moon. Dumbstruck.
When they bring in the third guy who, by the way, wasn't even in the orange shirt, I almost backed out. I had honestly believed he was just another customer, shooting the breeze, until he started tapping out some secret codes on the computer and asking me for my social security number. He was like a Mafia boss -- always present, hardly seen. I started to wonder if any of those other customers were real, or if they were just decoys, hired to make everything seem to be a good idea. My palms were starting to sweat all over my new piece of the Apple Corporation when I heard Michael ask Faith what kind of phone she had.
"She's not even one of Y'ALL," I blurted out desperately. "She's a Sprint person!" I threw her out there like she was Frankenstein and they were some torch-wielding villagers. Other people shaming me works, but having shame for myself? Not a chance. I. have. no. shame. Not when the pressure is on. But Faith, as I stated before, is way more savvy than I, and she side-stepped their advances quite deftly.
After about 20 more minutes of sheer terror, they'd swiped my card, set up the arrival date for my Direct TV installation, made me promise to name my next pet after Steve Jobs (or Wozniak -- I guess either way, Steve, it is), and sent me on my way with a palmful of sci-fi smart. And, yes, it freaked my shit out. Twenty-four hours later, I'm still a little freaked out, but I have yet to start nuclear winter with it either. I wish we would have hidden around the corner to watch because I'm pretty sure they totally high-fived each other as I walked away.
So, if you're reading this, and chuckling to yourself, it's okay. But IF you beat me at Words with Friends, you'd better watch out because I WILL chunk my palmful of techno wizardry at your head, Naomi Campbell style, and bounce it 3-4 times off of your smart ass, vocabulary enriched noggin.
Because... oh yeah... I bought that ridiculously expensive phone cover AND the extended warranty, and I plan to get my money's worth.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Wild Girl
Today, I witnessed a miracle.
People say that all the time, but I rarely ever believe in it. I think the word is over-used and under-appreciated. When everything is a miracle, then nothing can be miraculous. All the shine is faded.
But not today. Today, I witnessed a miracle. And her name is Sophia.
Ten summers ago, I helped start off a day camp for blind and visually impaired children, and Sophia was one of our first campers. At only about 8 or 9 years old, she was a little ragdoll of a thing, and she had three basic words -- "no", "yes" and a high-pitched screech to indicate either extreme excitement or extreme displeasure. Neither of them was especially delightful.
Sophia had no social skills. She had little gross motor control and even worse fine motor skill. To be in the dining hall, where plates and cups and silverware clanked and scraped together, and where children and teenagers talked in overwhelmingly loud voices, was sheer torture. At horseback, two people had to hold her steady in the saddle because she did not have the muscle strength to hold up her own head and upper torso which slumped over the reins. She looked like a little wild girl, born into nothingness and no one, but still managing to somehow have on clean clothes and bows in her hair.
Sophia's mother would not admit that anything, other than blindness, was at play in the mind of her child. And I got it, why heap more devastation onto an already devastating situation? But I couldn't understand that when she looked at her darling girl, she only saw what she wanted to see -- what she could bear to see. When her mother came to the closing ceremony, however, she could not deny what she saw: lots of other children, just as visually impaired as her own, who were speaking and moving and interacting all around Sophia. Literally. Around. Sophia. She slumped and fidgeted and barely lasted the hour without losing control. It was a visual reminder of what we, and probably her mother as well (deep down), knew already. Sophia was locked away, and no one seemed to be able to find the key.
But camp was the key. Or, at least, it was the hand digging around in the purse, searching for the key, brushing it with our fingertips and glimpsing it just enough to know that it was in there somewhere. I fully believe that. I will never accept anything other than that.
Sure, there were therapists and teachers and people who knew more than us helping her each and every day. And those people, especially her mother, deserve most of the credit. But I'm not sure that anyone, and I do mean anyone, cared more and cheered harder for a child than her camp counselors did. Every summer, more of Sophia came through. First, there were things like getting in the pool or eating with a knife and fork. Then came the mimicking and parroting of voices, sounds, and songs. Her mobility improved. Her language barriers began to crumble. And each time I saw her, she was a little more grown-up and sitting a little straighter in that saddle.
Four years ago, when I became the assistant director at my "normal kid" camp, my week with those wonderful day-campers and Sophia slipped away by the wayside. I could visit at the barn or even take a dip with them at the pool, but they stopped being my kids and became someone else's. And that included Sophia. Sometimes, I watch them amble down the road toward the pool or archery or canoeing with their canes and sighted guides and wheelchairs, and I am filled with both joy and regret because although I will always belong to them, they no longer belong to me. I barely know most of the campers anymore. None except Sophia. And, of all of them, the little girl who didn't speak, the wild girl who locked herself away, she was the least likely to remember how to heal my heart simply because she seemed to be the least likely to remember me at all.
But today, in the camp store, the little girl who didn't speak, spoke to me -- the me she hasn't known in four years. She smiled, yelled "Deana, Deana, Deana!" and giggled. Then she squealed the names of my friends, her other biggest fans, and my heart could not be contained. Not only had the wild girl remembered me, she could also place me with the other people who had loved her and adored her for so many summers. In her head and in her heart, we all live in the same place -- in the same place she keeps camp.
She squeezed my hands, put her palm to my cheek, answered my zillion questions, and made me realize all over again what is truly important in this world. How does that happen in the span of 5 short minutes in a crowded camp store? I will never, ever know, but I'm so glad that it can.
I think I could write about that moment for the rest of my life and never perfectly describe it to someone else. There aren't enough words to describe today because the only important words, the only words that mean anything at all, were the ones pouring from her mouth.
People say that all the time, but I rarely ever believe in it. I think the word is over-used and under-appreciated. When everything is a miracle, then nothing can be miraculous. All the shine is faded.
But not today. Today, I witnessed a miracle. And her name is Sophia.
Ten summers ago, I helped start off a day camp for blind and visually impaired children, and Sophia was one of our first campers. At only about 8 or 9 years old, she was a little ragdoll of a thing, and she had three basic words -- "no", "yes" and a high-pitched screech to indicate either extreme excitement or extreme displeasure. Neither of them was especially delightful.
Sophia had no social skills. She had little gross motor control and even worse fine motor skill. To be in the dining hall, where plates and cups and silverware clanked and scraped together, and where children and teenagers talked in overwhelmingly loud voices, was sheer torture. At horseback, two people had to hold her steady in the saddle because she did not have the muscle strength to hold up her own head and upper torso which slumped over the reins. She looked like a little wild girl, born into nothingness and no one, but still managing to somehow have on clean clothes and bows in her hair.
Sophia's mother would not admit that anything, other than blindness, was at play in the mind of her child. And I got it, why heap more devastation onto an already devastating situation? But I couldn't understand that when she looked at her darling girl, she only saw what she wanted to see -- what she could bear to see. When her mother came to the closing ceremony, however, she could not deny what she saw: lots of other children, just as visually impaired as her own, who were speaking and moving and interacting all around Sophia. Literally. Around. Sophia. She slumped and fidgeted and barely lasted the hour without losing control. It was a visual reminder of what we, and probably her mother as well (deep down), knew already. Sophia was locked away, and no one seemed to be able to find the key.
But camp was the key. Or, at least, it was the hand digging around in the purse, searching for the key, brushing it with our fingertips and glimpsing it just enough to know that it was in there somewhere. I fully believe that. I will never accept anything other than that.
Sure, there were therapists and teachers and people who knew more than us helping her each and every day. And those people, especially her mother, deserve most of the credit. But I'm not sure that anyone, and I do mean anyone, cared more and cheered harder for a child than her camp counselors did. Every summer, more of Sophia came through. First, there were things like getting in the pool or eating with a knife and fork. Then came the mimicking and parroting of voices, sounds, and songs. Her mobility improved. Her language barriers began to crumble. And each time I saw her, she was a little more grown-up and sitting a little straighter in that saddle.
Four years ago, when I became the assistant director at my "normal kid" camp, my week with those wonderful day-campers and Sophia slipped away by the wayside. I could visit at the barn or even take a dip with them at the pool, but they stopped being my kids and became someone else's. And that included Sophia. Sometimes, I watch them amble down the road toward the pool or archery or canoeing with their canes and sighted guides and wheelchairs, and I am filled with both joy and regret because although I will always belong to them, they no longer belong to me. I barely know most of the campers anymore. None except Sophia. And, of all of them, the little girl who didn't speak, the wild girl who locked herself away, she was the least likely to remember how to heal my heart simply because she seemed to be the least likely to remember me at all.
But today, in the camp store, the little girl who didn't speak, spoke to me -- the me she hasn't known in four years. She smiled, yelled "Deana, Deana, Deana!" and giggled. Then she squealed the names of my friends, her other biggest fans, and my heart could not be contained. Not only had the wild girl remembered me, she could also place me with the other people who had loved her and adored her for so many summers. In her head and in her heart, we all live in the same place -- in the same place she keeps camp.
She squeezed my hands, put her palm to my cheek, answered my zillion questions, and made me realize all over again what is truly important in this world. How does that happen in the span of 5 short minutes in a crowded camp store? I will never, ever know, but I'm so glad that it can.
I think I could write about that moment for the rest of my life and never perfectly describe it to someone else. There aren't enough words to describe today because the only important words, the only words that mean anything at all, were the ones pouring from her mouth.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Dear You,
Dear You,
Tonight I spoke your name lightly, just in passing conversation, and I thought it would hurt. It has sometimes hurt before, just the sound of it escaping my lips. Sometimes, it hurt deeply. Other times, it was only a pinch. But when it comes to You, hurt is hurt, big or small, and I braced myself for impact.
But it didn't hurt. And that was weird at first. When I got into the car, I tried it again, softly and slowly. And nothing.
The whole drive home, I thought of You. And that was weird too because I don't think of You that often anymore. The time that I knew You feels like a million years ago. But then there are times when it feels like You were here with me just yesterday. There are times when I cannot remember your face without looking at a picture, and then there are times when I can still feel your lips brush against my hair as You whispered a secret in my ear. I cannot recall the last conversation we had, but I know every word You spoke to me as You brought me that first Diet Coke, leaned back on my picnic table, and pointed out constellations. You spilled your life to me then (and for countless nights after) all the shame and secrets and sadness, behind the comfort and seclusion that a dark Texas night can provide.
This is the exact moment You stole my heart.
I didn't know it at the time. In fact, I didn't know it the whole time I was falling in love with the idea of you, but I realize it now. Sometimes I wish I had seen that moment for what it really was because, if I had, maybe I would have sent You to go find some other picnic table to be your confessional. And then maybe things would have been different.
But I didn't see it for what it was because I was young and stupid, and when you're young and stupid, your brain stops making decisions and your heart takes charge. And the heart isn't very good at decision making. So things weren't different, and day by day, you charmed me into loving your broken life, and I became addicted to You. More specifically, I became addicted to solving the riddle that was You. You were my first fixer-upper. The first wounded bird that I could not heal. I was sad for that because to make you happy and to see you smile was all I ever wanted.
Lately, however, I've come to understand that I wasn't addicted to You at all. I was addicted to the way You made me feel about Me.
You made me feel unique instead of awkward.
You made me feel smart, and I was sure that You were the smartest person I'd ever known.
You made me feel beautiful, and I had only ever felt plain.
You made me feel as though I could accomplish anything.
You made me feel comfortable because you didn't ask me to be anything but Me.
You made me feel nervous but not insecure. And I didn't know those could be two different things.
You made me feel powerful and confident.
You made me feel that my voice was important and that I deserved to be heard.
You made me feel talented and special.
You made me feel loved and appreciated, all in the space of seventeen short syllables.
You made me feel necessary to this world at a time when I was seriously lost and alone.
Even more than making me feel those things, you made me know them. For. a. fact.
You made me know that I was all of those things before You, and that I would be all those things well after You. You lit up my soul and then held a mirror to my face. And then you forced me to see myself. It was painful and hard and electrifying all at once. Many times in all the years since You, I have forgotten that I knew these things, knew them in my heart, and many times I have chosen to ignore them. But those times were my fault, not yours. And those moments are fewer and farther in between now.
I am so very different now. I am not the person You knew. Perhaps You might not even recognize Me if we passed one another on the street. I might seem familiar, like someone You knew in a past life. And I am.
I understand that You are different now too; your life is so very different than when I knew You best. I'm ecstatic about that because You were so unhappy then, and that fact alone caused me such pain. I am hopeful that although I couldn't fix you, maybe you uncovered a way to fix yourself. Or maybe the love of someone else filled in all those places that were missing. And maybe when she tells you that You are beautiful and special and powerful and unique, You believe Her just like I once believed when You whispered those words to Me.
This is the gift that You gave to Me. The knowledge that I am enough. That I am worthy. That I can do anything. That even though things may be painful, they are important. That people can slip away and that they can break your heart, but they cannot break your spirit and that they are not gone forever.
And this is why it doesn't hurt to speak your name anymore. And why sometimes it even makes me smile.
Love,
Me
Tonight I spoke your name lightly, just in passing conversation, and I thought it would hurt. It has sometimes hurt before, just the sound of it escaping my lips. Sometimes, it hurt deeply. Other times, it was only a pinch. But when it comes to You, hurt is hurt, big or small, and I braced myself for impact.
But it didn't hurt. And that was weird at first. When I got into the car, I tried it again, softly and slowly. And nothing.
The whole drive home, I thought of You. And that was weird too because I don't think of You that often anymore. The time that I knew You feels like a million years ago. But then there are times when it feels like You were here with me just yesterday. There are times when I cannot remember your face without looking at a picture, and then there are times when I can still feel your lips brush against my hair as You whispered a secret in my ear. I cannot recall the last conversation we had, but I know every word You spoke to me as You brought me that first Diet Coke, leaned back on my picnic table, and pointed out constellations. You spilled your life to me then (and for countless nights after) all the shame and secrets and sadness, behind the comfort and seclusion that a dark Texas night can provide.
This is the exact moment You stole my heart.
I didn't know it at the time. In fact, I didn't know it the whole time I was falling in love with the idea of you, but I realize it now. Sometimes I wish I had seen that moment for what it really was because, if I had, maybe I would have sent You to go find some other picnic table to be your confessional. And then maybe things would have been different.
But I didn't see it for what it was because I was young and stupid, and when you're young and stupid, your brain stops making decisions and your heart takes charge. And the heart isn't very good at decision making. So things weren't different, and day by day, you charmed me into loving your broken life, and I became addicted to You. More specifically, I became addicted to solving the riddle that was You. You were my first fixer-upper. The first wounded bird that I could not heal. I was sad for that because to make you happy and to see you smile was all I ever wanted.
Lately, however, I've come to understand that I wasn't addicted to You at all. I was addicted to the way You made me feel about Me.
You made me feel unique instead of awkward.
You made me feel smart, and I was sure that You were the smartest person I'd ever known.
You made me feel beautiful, and I had only ever felt plain.
You made me feel as though I could accomplish anything.
You made me feel comfortable because you didn't ask me to be anything but Me.
You made me feel nervous but not insecure. And I didn't know those could be two different things.
You made me feel powerful and confident.
You made me feel that my voice was important and that I deserved to be heard.
You made me feel talented and special.
You made me feel loved and appreciated, all in the space of seventeen short syllables.
You made me feel necessary to this world at a time when I was seriously lost and alone.
Even more than making me feel those things, you made me know them. For. a. fact.
You made me know that I was all of those things before You, and that I would be all those things well after You. You lit up my soul and then held a mirror to my face. And then you forced me to see myself. It was painful and hard and electrifying all at once. Many times in all the years since You, I have forgotten that I knew these things, knew them in my heart, and many times I have chosen to ignore them. But those times were my fault, not yours. And those moments are fewer and farther in between now.
I am so very different now. I am not the person You knew. Perhaps You might not even recognize Me if we passed one another on the street. I might seem familiar, like someone You knew in a past life. And I am.
I understand that You are different now too; your life is so very different than when I knew You best. I'm ecstatic about that because You were so unhappy then, and that fact alone caused me such pain. I am hopeful that although I couldn't fix you, maybe you uncovered a way to fix yourself. Or maybe the love of someone else filled in all those places that were missing. And maybe when she tells you that You are beautiful and special and powerful and unique, You believe Her just like I once believed when You whispered those words to Me.
This is the gift that You gave to Me. The knowledge that I am enough. That I am worthy. That I can do anything. That even though things may be painful, they are important. That people can slip away and that they can break your heart, but they cannot break your spirit and that they are not gone forever.
And this is why it doesn't hurt to speak your name anymore. And why sometimes it even makes me smile.
Love,
Me
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