There will never be anyone on Earth who will be as hard on me as I am on myself. It's been a lifelong battle, and we're in about the 35th round.
I've come a long way over the years, but there are still days when the self-hating creeps out of the shadows and clocks me with a sucker punch. Today was one of those days. It wasn't an especially awful day; surely I've had worse. But I was sick, and when I'm sick, I'm especially weak-willed with a low emotional melting point. One thing fell apart and took me with it.
I came home. I pouted for a while. I thought about things. I let today go.
Because here's what I also know for sure: I am loved. I am respected. I am strong. These are the thoughts I pour into myself when I feel low. And if that doesn't work, I go through my phone. On my phone are some pictures and videos of the people I love most. Those people bring me my smile.
I got stuck on this:
I wish every (perceived) failure in my life went as easily as my friend, Ell, and his bubbles. Dip the wand. Blow into the wand. Don't see any bubbles? "Nope".
There's just this feeling that this one little word, this "Nope", is all you need. It's not a "Why can't things just work out?". Or a "I totally suck at this, so I'm just going to give up." It's more like a "Well, that fell apart, but there's always a chance that the next bubble will work" kinda attitude. It's a completely awesome, life-affirming little "Nope".
I love that. I need that.
For the record, after about 20 minutes, 200 attempts, and half a bottle of soap spilled on my legs, Elliott totally blew the most perfect 3 bubbles.
And if you think that "Nope" is life-affirming, you should hear the squeals that surround success. If only I'd kept that camera running...