Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why Zombies Will Never Make Me a Millionaire.

Last night, I dreamed about zombies. It was especially vivid because zombies (and zombie movies) give me the heebs. I also fully dislike "apocalypse" movies -- mainly because they usually involve zombies -- or, at the very least, cannibalism. Blech. Yet, in the past week, I've watched all six episodes of "The Walking Dead" (which are actually very well-done) and yesterday, I watched "The Road" (which, of course, was a much better book so I'd avoided the movie for over a year). So, truthfully, it does not surprise me one bit that undead brain-chompers shuffled through my dreams.

It's been reported that Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, came up with her idea for the books after she awoke from a dream. She is a multi-millionaire because she. woke. up.

Needless to say, I've been keeping a notebook and pen next to the bed.

Think what you will about the actual writing in the books, but ol' Steph really cornered the market on the teenage mutant romance genre. The whole draw is that Little Miss Plain Jane becomes the number 1 desire of the dreamiest boy at school. Her very life force, her essence, is irresistible to him. Name one girl in the world who has not had this very same fantasy. Literally, I want to check out Stephanie Meyer's junior high yearbooks and find the basis for Edward because, let me tell you, homegirl had a thang for that character.

Of course, it just so happens that the dreamiest boy in school likes to drink blood. And this is the brilliance of Meyer's plan. Vampires are sexy. Always have been. They are mysterious and usually well-dressed. They are always quite wealthy and cultured. Their seductive nature lures you in and hypnotizes you into thinking, "Man, I bet I'm gonna wake up with one awesome hickey!" Although we all know what he's after. Not your jugs. Just your jugular.

No other monsters are ever as attractive as vampires. Meyer tried, with the inclusion of the wolfpack in her books. It was quite clever that, as a result of increased body temps and the need to "wolf out" at any given moment, they walk around practically naked the whole time. But no other werewolf movies have pulled off the heartthrobby wolfman. Mostly they just look in need of a flea-dip and a trip to the groomer.

Mummies are no good either. Sometimes the mummy-killer is smokin' hot, but mummies seem more like a minor role kind of friend. You know, like Ducky in "Pretty in Pink". Adorable in the "aw-shucks" kind of way, but pretty harmless. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Godzilla, chupacabras... none of them are what I'd call "romantic lead material".

So, that leaves me a narrow window to my fame and fortune. No zombies, however, managed to fall in love in my dreams. Frankly, none of them were even attractive. Mouth-breathers with poor posture and a penchant for gnawing on your femur bone. I don't know how to work with that kind of material.

It looks as though I'll have to earn my millions the old fashioned way. Lottery tickets.

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