Today, I passed back quizzes to my students. Things you should know before proceeding:
1. In my class, students are always welcome to make corrections, but only if they come to tutoring and make some kind of effort.
2. Some students always try the shortcut. Many are not so smart at the shortcut.
3. The quizzes for this last novel are all multiple choice.
4. I only have a class set of quizzes because I refuse to wait at the copy machine for more than 3 minutes.
Here are the 5 minutes I wasted trying to use logic on a student who is not very logical.
Her: I corrected all my quizzes. I forgot to tell you, and I just now found them.
Me: Oh, really? The quizzes that were just returned less than ten minutes ago?
Me: The ones that, combined, have over 120 questions total?
Me: The ones that are multiple choice and only list answers as "A", "B", "C", or "D" thereby leaving you with just pieces of paper with columns of random letters but no real clues, questions, or answer choices listed?
Me: Are you going to stick with this story? Really? Because we've all got things to do, and you can still get out of this with a little grace.
Her: (blank stare)
Me: You're sticking with this story? For real?
Me: Really? BECAUSE there's no...possible...way you could have corrected these BECAUSE you don't have the actual quiz. BECAUSE I only make a class set. So there's no... possible... way that you could even know the original answer choices to "A", "B", "C", or "D" even are BECAUSE those quizzes are here in my desk drawer and not anywhere you could see them. BECAUSE you have to come to tutorials to make corrections BECAUSE I know y'all will just copy answers from someone else's paper.
Her: (pause... pause... pause) Uhhhhh-huh.......
Me: Explain how you corrected them then.
Her: I read my book.
Me: (crazy stare)
Her: I used my study questions.
Me: (crazier stare)
Her: I didn't cheat.
Me: (eyeroll) So, let me get this straight. You corrected all 120 questions in 10 minutes or less without the actual quiz questions, using only your book, your study questions, and some sort of unworldly psychic ability?
Her: (pause to take all that in)..... Uhhhhh-huh....
Me: Tell me, little psychic friend, what am I thinking right now?
Her: (blank stare)... (blank stare)... I don't know.
Me: Here it is. This is the worst lie ever. I don't know whether to be happy that you're a terrible liar or annoyed by the fact that you think I'd fall for it. You are not cut out for a life of crime. Do. Not. Lie. Again. Go sit down and leave those quiz answers with me.
Student from across the room (to the worst liar ever): BECAUSE you better be in tutoring. Tomorrow. Fo' real.
And this is how I went insane before 10:00 AM.