Sunday, August 18, 2013

And I Did...

I am a worrier.

I've been one all my life though, so I'm fairly adjusted to it.  Some people would probably call it an anxiety disorder, but that's a little clinical and scary for me.  And, frankly, I worry about labels that I can't clearly define.

So, I'm a worrier.

When I was young, my parents watched the news basically for the weather and sports updates.  I watched and saw the horrors of the world (and Amarillo, TX).  At one point, my parents just stopped changing the channel until the time for weather (it's 10:17 PM, in case you're wondering).  They'd flip away and then come back for sports (10:25-ish).  If there were stories they were interested in, they'd send me from the room.  It was the only way to impose a news-ban and save my 8 year-old self from a lifetime of stomach ulcers and sleepless nights.  And those Sally Struthers "Feed the Children" commercials?  Yeah... no.

I still have trouble.  When terrible tragedies occur (i.e. September 11th, school shootings, plane crashes, tsunamis, etc.)  I will watch briefly and then place myself on a news restriction.  I am not good with uncontrolled grief and havoc.  I am not good with the cruelties of mankind or Mother Nature.  And, now, I don't even watch ASPCA commercials.  At the first hint of Sarah McLachlan music, I'm out.

I worry about other stuff too.  I'm well-known for putting back half of the stuff in my shopping cart because I worry about cost or need.  I worry about letting others down.  I worry about my car breaking down or my parents having problems, so I worry about making plans that I might have to cancel (and then let others down).  This summer, I've had a lot of time to worry about the upcoming school year.  I tried to let it slide, but it never goes away.  And when something's held down too long, it will eventually spring back.  That was Friday (and a little bit of yesterday too).

I don't like this about myself.  Granted, there's nothing wrong with planning for another day; there's nothing wrong with a Plan B.  But I hate that I paralyze myself with worries about things that A) I cannot control and 2) may never happen.  I hate that it keeps me from doing the things I enjoy or making plans for the future.
So, in the spirit of "just saying no" to feeling awful, I'm taking a few small steps.

Therefore, today, instead of heading back up to my classroom to work, I took the time to enjoy my last day of summer break.  I got a pedicure.  I partook of the free Franzia.  I went to an afternoon movie.  I had a delicious dinner (and dessert).  I realized that I might be creating more work for myself tomorrow, but dangit, I was determined to enjoy the shit out of today while the opportunity presented itself.

And I did.

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