I am a worrier.
I've been one all my life though, so I'm fairly adjusted to it. Some people would probably call it an anxiety disorder, but that's a little clinical and scary for me. And, frankly, I worry about labels that I can't clearly define.
So, I'm a worrier.
When I was young, my parents watched the news basically for the weather and sports updates. I watched and saw the horrors of the world (and Amarillo, TX). At one point, my parents just stopped changing the channel until the time for weather (it's 10:17 PM, in case you're wondering). They'd flip away and then come back for sports (10:25-ish). If there were stories they were interested in, they'd send me from the room. It was the only way to impose a news-ban and save my 8 year-old self from a lifetime of stomach ulcers and sleepless nights. And those Sally Struthers "Feed the Children" commercials? Yeah... no.
I still have trouble. When terrible tragedies occur (i.e. September 11th, school shootings, plane crashes, tsunamis, etc.) I will watch briefly and then place myself on a news restriction. I am not good with uncontrolled grief and havoc. I am not good with the cruelties of mankind or Mother Nature. And, now, I don't even watch ASPCA commercials. At the first hint of Sarah McLachlan music, I'm out.
I worry about other stuff too. I'm well-known for putting back half of the stuff in my shopping cart because I worry about cost or need. I worry about letting others down. I worry about my car breaking down or my parents having problems, so I worry about making plans that I might have to cancel (and then let others down). This summer, I've had a lot of time to worry about the upcoming school year. I tried to let it slide, but it never goes away. And when something's held down too long, it will eventually spring back. That was Friday (and a little bit of yesterday too).
I don't like this about myself. Granted, there's nothing wrong with planning for another day; there's nothing wrong with a Plan B. But I hate that I paralyze myself with worries about things that A) I cannot control and 2) may never happen. I hate that it keeps me from doing the things I enjoy or making plans for the future.
So, in the spirit of "just saying no" to feeling awful, I'm taking a few small steps.
Therefore, today, instead of heading back up to my classroom to work, I took the time to enjoy my last day of summer break. I got a pedicure. I partook of the free Franzia. I went to an afternoon movie. I had a delicious dinner (and dessert). I realized that I might be creating more work for myself tomorrow, but dangit, I was determined to enjoy the shit out of today while the opportunity presented itself.
And I did.