Thursday, September 5, 2013

It Happens.

I hate messing up.  I really, really do.

It doesn't have to be a big mistake.  I don't have to burn anything down or fall on my face or hurt someone's feelings.  It just has to be something that I think I could've/would've/should've done better than I did.  Spilling a drink at the dinner table, driving over a curb, calling someone by the wrong name.

It makes me feel foolish and inadequate, and I feel like, somehow, it identifies me.  As if that person will only ever know me that way -- the drink spiller, the bad driver, the idiot-who-calls-me-Larry-when-my-name-is-Dave.  My cheeks burn and I immediately feel tears well up.  No one even has to see the mistake for it to happen either.  It is one of the absolute weirdest things about me.  I know that there are probably deep-seeded reasons for it, but it makes me feel ridiculous.

I'm even embarrassed about feeling embarrassed right now.

I messed something up today at work while I was at a training.  I made a work mistake when I wasn't even at work.  I mean... who does that?  It wasn't huge.  It wasn't on purpose.  But when I realized it, I almost had to leave the room because it upset me so much.  Because it would have embarrassed me more to leave, however, I didn't.  The person who alerted me to my mistake told me "It's okay.  It happens."  And, in my logical brain, I know that's true.  But my tear ducts don't talk nicely with my logical brain.

It has always been difficult for me to just "let it go".  I don't want to be the girl who caused a problem at work when she wasn't even at work.  I've known for a long time that this isn't normal for other people, and I've always theorized that maybe I freak about the tiny things because the big things seem far too big to muster up enough freaked-outedness to properly apply.

I've developed coping strategies over the years -- making a self-deprecating joke, allowing myself a 5-minute cry, or forcing a big, deep laugh.  It feels weird to force a big, deep laugh, but it's hard to sob if you're laughing.  And sometimes a forced laugh becomes a real laugh, and that, too, is far better than scarlet cheeks and watery eyes.

Especially when you're far from the exit.

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